In lieu of being tired of thinking about my future, in lieu of tiring from the battle between sincerity and self-reflection, in lieu of watching too many celebrity bios on E!, in lieu of the death of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, I have decided to create my life backwards. In other words, for fear of people remembering me as "wacky, weird old lady who lives in that big house all alone and wears dark lipstick" (think: Grey Gardens) I have decided to write my own obituary. Yes, it's weird, morbid, etc. but its also a very bizarre way to plan out the rest of your days and create your own non-celebrity whirlwind:
1975-..... Shannon O'Neill, critic-feminist-writer-director-actress-musician disappeared or died today in what appears to have been a freak car accident in the Hollywood Hills. Her death/disappearance came as a shock to many fans and friends alike who simply feel, "She was too young, and attractive. Oh. . . are you recording this?"
Author of "Get Thee to a Nunnery: A Woman's Guide to Love in the New Millenium," "Moments of Tranquility Ruined by Ugly White People: An Autobiography," "That Fascist Dictator is Related to Me: The King Zog Story," lead singer of the punk-pretty band Ovarian Riot whose hit song "My Ovaries,Your Face" reached #1 on the Billboard chart in 2005, and director of the films "Entitlement: Spanning Time With Love and Babies," and the box office phenom "ShipWreKd" the avant-garde docu-drama based on The Tempest in which O'Neill starred as Miranda-Prospero-Ariel alongside George Clooney, Stephen Malkmus, Jonny Lee Miller, Johnny Depp and Benicio Del Torro. The film was lauded by critics and feminists alike, and likened to "a sexed-up Apocalypse Now," especially for the strict O'Neill-imposed "only-a-loin-cloth" costume rule for the cast (except for O'Neill whose wardrobe was provided by Chloe, Jean-Paul Gaultier and Dior), and the unexpected casting of Gwyneth Paltrow as Caliban.
Ms. O'Neill (Shanono as she was known by friends) enjoyed eating chocolate in bed, drinking too much wine, reading, and occasionally her family. She loathed re-enactments, nationality-themed restaurants that simply perpetuate stereotypes, and all the undeserved hype about Tom Hanks and Fight Club. She will be survived by many friends who often visited, toured Detroit and slept on her air mattress. An only child, in her youth and well into adulthood, her parents were morbidly overprotective and often used perverse psychology to keep her from roaming too far, once telling her before she left for a bike ride at the age of twelve to "bring your library card for identification purposes in case you get run-over on Telegraph Road." Even after her relative-fame she still remained a frequent shopper at the Saks Fifth Avenue Off Fifth store at Fairlane Mall, as well as a collector of the highly-flammable apparrel of Forever 21. When asked for comment, Fairlane Mall issued this statement: "Ms. O'Neill was a consummate shopper, a bargain hunter, an artist, and a true ladies lady. We have watched her grow over the years from a petulant five-year-old having a meltdown tantrum in front of The Children's Place when her mother wouldn't buy her a rabbit-fur coat, to a bamboo-earring-wearing teenager who frequented both Sbarro and Merry-Go-Round, to the young woman who returned to us more travelled, more mature and refined, but never forgetting the history and tradition of our establishment or where the restrooms are located in all of our department stores. She will be missed greatly, and in her honor we have erected a sculpture in the mall-center entitled "Debt-Free At Last." Our thoughts and prayers are with her family and loved ones."
Early in her career, Ms. O'Neill found work as an assistant at the prestigious (and later scandalous) Harvard Business Review magazine, and later in a tiny-office resembling a storage closet at the Cranbrook Academy of Art. Her family, friends and Artists-in-Residence are still not certain of what she did there, but maintain that she was happy and that it had something to do with design and complaining about the Michigan suburbs.
A lifelong lover of all things involving sitting and talking, Ms. O'Neill loved travel and once described New Orleans as "a great place to die," Los Angeles as "Detroit with famous people and mountains," Istanbul as "the most amazing place on the planet, except that every fifth man looks like Saddam Hussein," Dublin as a fine city with good people but "not enough wine, and now I know how the Irish got that way," and likened her shopping experience in Paris to that of "a refugee of the former Communist Block visiting Target or a supermarket for the first time." Though she lived in Boston for several years, meeting some of her closest friends, she was loathe to talk about it, and was known to clear a room with scathing comments when an unsuspecting acquaintance would start a sentence with "Boston is such a great town!" Up until her death, Ms. O'Neill, hated war, disease, poverty, inequality and all things that relate back to nepotism. Founder of the WYD? (Who's Your Daddy?) Foundation, Ms. O'Neill used her own money to fund scholarships for young women with no connections who wished to live abroad stylishly without the hassle of working menial jobs. A lifelong non-conformist, she became an honorary member of the UAW, Kiwanis Club, and the Daughters of the American Revolution, because she was "More fun than the other guys that work on the line," and "A lot younger and sassier than any of our other members."
Ms. O'Neill is survived by two ex-husbands, a multi-level closet of clothes and shoes, one dog, and perhaps, a cat.
Art, Jobs, Babies! - 2005-03-07
Wedding in Exile - 2005-02-26
Oscars! Movies! Glammer! - 2005-02-24
Monday Blues - 2005-02-14
oscar shmoscar - 2005-02-10
