Three very disturbing things happened yesterday: First, I had a terrible interview for a job involving working in a warehouse filling out purchase orders for metal parts. Second, my grandmother got robbed at gunpoint in her driveway. And, third, Siegfried was on Larry King talking about Roy’s tiger attack. What is interesting about these current events is that only one is unavoidable, covered in the news, and apparently, makes people give pause; and that is #3. I mean, which one of these headlines would catch your eye (and mine):
“Overeducated Gen-Xer Interviews for Crappy Job”
“Grandmother Robbed at Home in Broad Daylight!”
or
“Roy Mauled by Tiger!”
And, what I found really interesting as I found myself riveted to the television watching images of Roy and his white “cats” dance before my eyes, was that, from a perspective of chance, it's not a surprise. He surrounds himself with huge lions and tigers every day. No disrespect to Roy, but did anyone really see this news and say “What? A tiny man in shiny clothes who has a stage show with crazy lights and loud noises, and surrounds himself with huge tigers was attacked by a tiger? Unbelievable!”? Now, I know they have a huge fan base, they are entertainers, it’s like when Michael Jackson’s hair caught on fire during the Pepsi commercial. We, as a collective audience are shocked and saddened. And, it’s a juicy story. And, for the sake of both Roy and Siegrifed—who, by the way, bears such a striking resemblance to Chris Kattan, that SNL may not ever have to spoof the whole thing—I hope he makes a speedy recovery.
Now, I am not so naïve to think that Larry King Live! Would have a special segment on “Robbed! Grandmas in the Midwest” or anything, but I am amazed by what surprises us. And, how much more I know about avoiding a tiger attack, then I do about protocol and safety when someone has a gun to your head. Call me crazy, but I don't think I'll be face-to-face with a tiger anytime soon. And, if the police I dealt with today are any indication, being robbed at gunpoint in front of your home, after being followed from the bank is really no big deal. And this is in a city that gloatingly prides itself on being "safe." The eraser-headed “Officer” we dealt with today was so stupid and rude, I wanted to smack him. When he asked my grandmother what was taken from the wallet, and she said “Five hundred dollars” and he replied, “Is that all?” I wanted to give him a long list of everything else that was taken, starting with a sense of security, and ending with having the freedom to go to the bank. I may sound like a crazed suburbanite or something, but I can count on one hand—thankfully-- the amount of people I know who have been held up. And that’s after living in three different cities and not always the best areas.
The worst part is how stereotypical this story is: Grandma, money, robbed. And, how often it happens. I’m sure the robber is done thinking about it. I doubt if he’s writing about what a disturbing day he had. Then again, who knows. He probably has a Diaryland page, too. I imagine the toughest part for him was having to commute from the bank to her house. I mean, I hope the gas he used didn’t defray from the amount he stole.
The other worst part is that I had just visited her before she went to the bank. And, the last thing I said to her was “Buy me some pickles from the deli if you can.” I am very lucky, for many reasons, those were not our last words. And, you know, my grandma is a tough cookie. I know she will be alright. I know she won’t flee her home like so many other suburban-neurotics. But, that doesn’t mean it’s not disturbing and terrible. You know what else pisses me off? That I’m supposed to feel lucky that my grandmother is ALIVE. That it didn’t’ get worse. That this guy didn’t follow her into her house. I mean, the ball is in his court, not ours. I’m not stupid. I realize that this kind of stuff is no surprise to most of the neighborhoods in this city, and in this country. But, you know, sometimes you get tired of constantly watching your every move. Not feeling safe anywhere. Thinking that everyone looks shady.
I don’t even know what is shocking anymore. Logic tells me that it isn’t so shocking that a man who willingly, and happily, surrounds himself with tigers every day, gets attacked by one. Did the tiger follow him home from the ATM? Was he surprised to see the tiger? I doubt it.
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My Love Don't Cost a Thing - 2005-07-14
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