It’s obviously time a get a job. Other people may measure by more conservative and level-headed criteria, such as: dwindling bank account, possibility of being phased out of employability all together, boredom, embarrassment, etc. I measure by far more quantifiable criteria: how many “Driven” episodes I’ve watched in the last 48 hours, dwindling bank account, how many under 25ers have made more money than me between the ages of 14-21 by dancing or singing, questions posed to self: “Why don’t I have a TV show?” and, how willing I am to believe that a Mickey Mouse Club audition can change anyone’s life. In no particular order I have watched “Driven: Jessica Simpson,” “Love Chain: Carmen Electra,” “E! Behind the News: The Real Nicole Richie,” “It’s Good to Be: Paris and Nikki Hilton.” I drew the line at the “Driven” episode of the Backstreet Boy (or Nsync-er) who looks like an alien. Also, I was kind of disturbed by how well spoken Nicole Richie is while still saying completely idiotic things like, after pouring bleach all over a red-neck bar, “I mean, any girl who loses her purse and is sent on a wild goose chase around the bar would do the same thing!” Okay, so I can only blame myself for this self-imposed employment exile and television debauchery. But hey, it’s the New Year. I think the fact that there is a “Driven: Jessica Simpson” pretty much sums up where we are heading. And, is anyone else creeped out by 1) how much she looks like her dad?, 2) How much her “husband” looks like her dad?, and 3) That she still looks female and attractive?
Obviously, I need to do something with the 8 hours between 9 and 5. So I have! As of Monday, I have a job in corporate communications at the Big F! World Headquarters, no less. I’m going to try to read “Brave New World” and “1984” back-to-back this weekend so I can fully understand what it is I will be doing. Anyway, I’m happy enough. I need a job, and anything that remotely involves writing will suit me just fine. And, of course, simultaneously keep me away from any and all E! specials.
To explain my absence over the last couple of months—I’ve been on what we’ve dubbed the Sharyl 2003-04 Tour. I think I’ve seen nearly all of my friends who live outside of Michigan (sorry, Boston!). Shouts go out to all of my fabulous friends for their amazing hospitality: Ken, Tina and Max in Los Angeles; Gingeryette (and her feather bed and amazing bath products) in San Francisco; The Subudhi Compound in Richmond; Virginia; Mr. and Mrs. W in DC; Cathy, Jeremy, and Uncle Mike in Chicago. I have now seen, in no particular order: British bars in Los Angeles, an all-male fashion show at Macy’s in San Fran, a fabulous salsa band in Virginia, the freaky stairs from “The Exorcist” in Georgetown, a man try to get “some sugar” from my boyfriend, a coyote-head on a stick at the LaBrea tar pits, a menacing Arthur Ashe statue on Monument Avenue in Richmond, a tiki bar with drinks the size of your head in SF, the house I want to live in in the Hollywood Hills, the infamous Dresden Room, the danger of positively commenting on someone else’s Ronald Reagan calendar, indoor soccer, a “Flight 93 Tour” in rural Pennsylvania, Jay Leno, The Fonz’s jacket (it’s brown!) at the Smithsonian, dinner at a Brazilian steak house where men dressed up as gauchos (i.e. South American cowboys) serve you copious amounts of roasted meat on swords in Chicago, one of the original “space monkeys”—in taxidermy splendor—at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum, the floats from the Detroit Thanksgiving Day parade the night before Thanksgiving, the list goes on and on. . .
If you feel any of the aforementioned sightings require any further explanation, do not hesitate to ask. Now, back to my final hours of E! television!!!
I want my gossip! - 2005-08-17
Goodbye, BGT! - 2005-08-08
hell hath no fury like a awriting workshop - 2005-08-01
My Love Don't Cost a Thing - 2005-07-14
Kiss My Grits! - 2005-07-06
