I really dislike the grocery store. I try to avoid going all the time, but, inevitably, I run out of food. Yesterday was no exception, and so, I trekked into the abyss known as Farmer Jack on Greenfield and Michigan Avenue. I'm not sure if this whole area was once a Native American burial ground, but if the vibe and clientele of the stores in this area are any indication, then I know where they can make a "Blair Witch Project" sequel. In the last week, I have gone to a sample of stores on this strip: Rite Aid, Walgreen's and Farmer Jack. Here is a rundown:
Exhibit A: If you are looking for a 1970's dirty-scary New York City drugstore experience, then might I suggest the Rite Aid on Greenfield? Think: Taxi Driver meets Dog Day Afternoon. Highlights of my 7-minute shopping experience included half-empty shelves, not being able to find Q-tips in any of the "usual' aisles, and a woman who came in wearing a "Happy Birthday!" tiara demanding use of a payphone. Being that it is common in this area for drugstore/gas station/convenience store massacres to occur during the middle of the day, I automatically assumed she was but a ruse for an insane man in an unmarked sedan waiting to come in and hold us all hostage. I wisely decided to forego dropping off my film to be developed because it meant I would have to return.
Lest I be swayed to easily by my fears. . .
Exhibit B: If you are in need of feeling like you are an extra in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest", might I suggest the Walgreen's on the corner of Greenfield and Michigan Avenue? Highlights include: well-stocked shelves, easy-to-find-Q-tips, a woman with no teeth spinning in slow circles around the magazine rack at the front of the store while reeking of a mix of alcohol and Big Red chewing gum, a "couple" wearing scary trench coats and scraggly hair and making frantic eye contact with nobody, and a man with a cart filled with stuffed animals—all, conveniently, with no price tags.
Exhibit C: Ever wondered what Appalachia looked like during it's coal mining heyday, but didn't feel like renting "Coalminer's Daughter" one more time? May I suggest the Farmer Jack on the corner of Michigan Avenue and Greenfield. Highlights included: a one-legged man leaning against the wall of coupons, rotting produce, men who I think were workers staring vacantly into the fluorescent lights, a man pretending to be choosing oranges but really having more fun with his hands in his pockets, multiple children stuffed into a "cart car," women with unwashed hair, and, a check-out woman with no teeth.
Okay, so I sound like a total snob, but, you know what? The world is a really weird and crazy place, but is it necessary to go out of the house looking completely insane? If I believed any of these people had legitimate mental problems, then I would feel a bit more sympathetic. But, since they seem to be allowed to drive vehicles, and some are married with families, I imagine they are perfectly "sane" citizens. Maybe it's just me, and the cast of David Lynch-esque characters that seem to follow me wherever I go, maybe I was in a traveling circus in my last life and am now doomed to form my own in this one—whatever the case, beware the Michigan Avenue Greenfield Road Bermuda Triangle of Weirdness!
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