In honor of the Eternal Friday in all of us, I have compiled a list of what Shanono Hates About Corporate America. And, before I get aggravated emails from friends claiming to be the types of people I describe, I will assure you that you are not. These are odd customs that no friends of mine practice. At least I don't think they do. So, let's get to my corporate complaints! :
1) Walking Tailgaters: people who walk behind you at a much faster pace and instead of slowing down or passing, insist on tail-gating. It is way more annoying than on the road. First, because as a human, we do not have rear-view mirrors (yet) and so can only sense the presence of a WTG. They are annoying, and often have bad haircuts.
2) Toilet Seat Covers: In office bathrooms. I understand using them in airports or gas stations, but when only the same 12 women use the bathroom here I find it annoying, and, kind of offensive. Women seem to be plagued by fears of CBD (Crazy Butt Disease) from the toilet seat. I have a sneaking suspicion these same people who fear anything touching the backs of their thighs probably try things on in dressing rooms, or even sit on benches in the summer whilst wearing shorts without using a butt cover. It doubly annoys me because the stupid toilet seat "tissue" covers clog up the toilets, which creates a more dangerous germ-releasing environment.
3) Dockers: Can men please get out and find some different pants? Please?
4) People who let the door slam in your face when you are only steps behind them:
I understand if your hands are full, but nine times out of ten, that is not the case.
5) People who insist on eating spicy food in the open space: Certain things are okay, but burritos are not on that list.
6) Purses: Bulky Coach bags only stylish ten years ago, obviously fake* Louis Vuitton bags (looking even more fake when carried by a woman with Whitesnake-fan bleach-blond hair down to her butt and suntan colored pantyhose). Prada nylon bags—die trend, die! Dooney & Burke everything. Fake Burberry bags.
7) Briefcases: Can someone PLEASE turn men on to nice briefcases? I can't tell you how many "executives" I see in this place with the rattiest of ratty, computer geek chic briefcases! I'm sure they purchased them at Sam's Club and then ran them over with their car a few times. Terrible! Especially when wearing a nice suit.
8) Tasseled men's shoes: obviously raided from the set of "Caddyshack" or something. Nothing says, "COUNTRY CLUB. I belong to a COUNTRY CLUB" quite like the tasseled loafer.
9) Suntan nylons: they live.
10) High-waisted "dress" pants: they also thrive here at WHQ. And anything that could double as a work-smock. Basically, the more asexual the better.
*I love fake. Anything that looks good and costs less is fine with me. Unfortunately, when too many people have the fake bags it depletes the value of having an "original" and thus the value of the fake diminishes. I'm sure there's an economic concept that describes this (diminishing return?), but I only took high school economics. *
*Lest anyone accuse me of being a "fashion snob" or explain how most of these people probably don't have time or money to worry so much about something as silly as fashion, I have one word to sum up my sentiment on that: Target. Cheap. Fashionable. Doesn't look like pajamas. And, from what I recall with having a working mom who dropped me off at school every day on her way to the office: she always managed to have on a suit. Sure, sometimes she still had on her eye-cream and hot rollers when she dropped me off which caused all sorts of major mortification at the time—but hey, a mortified child is a small price to pay to look presentable in the work place.
**Lest anyone accuse me of an elitist attitude: I don't think my outfits (including shoes and handbag) ever total more than $100. My great-grandfather used to work at the Rouge Plant on the assembly line. Every evening he managed to come home, take a shower, and put on a suit. Sure, that may be neurotic, but I've never said my family was sane.
***Lest anyone remind me that Corporate America is not a runway: I work at the headquarters of a major corporation—it rhymes with Snored--there are people from all over the world coming in here every day. You would think that would be enough incentive to ban "corporate casual" and the fine-line it walks between "office" and "nap time" apparel.
Just when you think everything you ever knew and loved about being a teenager has died, it comes back one more time: http://www.cnn.com/2004/HEALTH/04/29/punk.rockaerobics.ap/index.html
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